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Chapter 1

When the firstbullet hit hter

At least, that is what I want to believe I lost consciousness pretty fast And, if you want to get technical about it, I don’t even re shot I know that I lost a lot of blood I know that a second bullet skih I was probably already out by then I know that my heart stopped But I still like to think that as I lay dying, I thought of Tara

FYI: I saw no bright light or tunnel Or if I did, I don’t remember that either

Tara,in her crib I wonder if the gunfire frightened her It an to cry I wonder if the fah ain I have no memory of it

What I do remember, however, was the moment Tara was born I re down for one last push I rehter We all know about life’s forks in the road We all know about opening one door and closing another, life cycles, the changes in seasons But the moment your child is bornit’s beyond surreal You have walked through aStar Trek –like portal, a full-fledged reality transfor is different You are different, a si catalyst and one; it shrinks down to the dimensions of—in this case, anyway—a six-pound fifteen-ounce mass

Fatherhood confuses me Yes, I know that with only six months on the job, I airl and three boys His oldest, Marianne, is ten, his youngest just turned one With his face permanently set on happily harried and the floor of his SUV perealed fast food, Lenny reet seriously lost or afraid in the real a child, I look at the helpless bundle in the crib and she looks up at me and I wonder what I would not do to protect her I would lay down my life in a second And truth be told, if push came to shove, I would lay down yours too

So I like to think that as the two bullets pierced my body, as I collapsed onto the linoleuranola bar clutched inpuddle of , that I still tried to do sohter

I came to in the dark

I had no idea where I was at first, but then I heard the beeping coht A familiar sound I did not move I merely listened to the beeps My brain felt as if it’d been h was a primitive one: thirst I craved water I had never known a throat could feel so dry I tried to call out, but ue had been dry-caked to the bottom of my mouth

A figure entered the room When I tried to sit up, hot pain ripped like a knife down ain, there was darkness

When I awoke again, it was daytih the venetian blinds I blinked through them Part of me wanted to raise my hand and block the rays, but exhaustion would not let the command travel My throat was still impossibly parched

I heard aover me I looked up and saw a nurse The perspective, so different froht I was supposed to be the one standing looking down, not the other way around A white hat—one of those sular numbers—sat like a bird’s nest on the nurse’s head I’ve spent a great deal ofin a wide variety of hospitals, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a hat like that outside of TV or the movies The nurse was heavyset and black

“Dr Seidman?”

Her voice arht nod

The nurse must have read minds because she already had a cup of water in her hand She put the straeen reedily