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Part One: Me

One: Scaredy Cat

I WAS running away I was running away froland, from my childhood, from the winter, from a sequence of untidy, unattractive love-affairs, from the few sticks of furniture and jumble of overworn clothes thataway from drabness, fustiness, snobbery, the claustrophobia of close horizons, and froh I am quite an attractive rat, toaway fro except the law

And I had run a very long way indeed—al a bit, halfway round the world In fact I had come all the way from London to The Dreae, the famous American tourist resort in the Adirondacks—that vast expanse of mountains, lakes, and pine forests which forms most of the northern territory of New York State I had started on September the first, and it was now Friday the thirteenth of October When I had left, the grireen, or as green as any tree can be in London in August Now, in the billion-strong army of pine trees that marched away northward toward the Canadian border, the real, wild maples flamed here and there like shrapnel-bursts And I felt that I, or at any rate rie ofout of doors and going to bed early and all those other dear dull things that had been part of land and learn to be a “lady” Very unfashionable, of course, this cherry-ripe, strength-through-joy co lipstick and nail polish, but toback into my own, and I was childishly happy and pleased with —I'll never say “looking-glass” again; I just don't have to anyto paint a different face overaway from the person I'd been for the past five years I wasn't particularly pleased with the person I was now, but I had hated and despised the other one, and I was glad to be rid of her face

Station WOKO (they n!) in Albany, the capital of New York State and about fifty miles due south of where I was, announced that it was six o'clock The weather report that followed included a stor down froht pht I didn't h the nearest living soul, as far as I kneas ten e, the thought of the pines that would soon be thrashing outside, the thunder and lightning and rain,and warm and protected in anticipation And alone! But above all alone! “Loneliness beco sin” Where had I read that? Who had written it? It was so exactly the way I felt, the way that, as a child, I had always felt until I had forced ood sort, on the ball, hep And what a hash I had ed the memory of failure away Everyone doesn't have to live in a heap Painters, writers, musicians are lonely people So are statesenerals But then, I added to be fair, so are cri, that true Individuals are lonely It's not a virtue—the reverse, if anything One ought to share and communicate if one is to be a useful member of the tribe The fact that I was so n of a faulty, a neurotic character I had said this so often to , I just shruggedlobby to the door and went out to have a last look at the evening

I hate pine trees They are dark and stand very still and you can't shelter under them or climb them They are very dirty, with a et this dirt mixed with their resin they uely iniives e The only good thing about theet hold of it, I use pine-needle essence in my bath Here, in the Adirondacks, the endless vista of pine trees was positively sickening They clothe every square yard of earth in the valleys and climb up to the top of every mountain so that the impression is of a spiky carpet spread to the horizon—an endless vista of rather stupid-looking green pyraers and copies of the New York Times

Five acres or so of these stupid trees had been cleared to build the motel, which is all that this place really was “Motel” isn't a good word any longer It has become smart to use “Motor Court” or “Ranch Cabins” ever since sters, and murders, for all of which their anonymity and lack of supervision is a convenience The site, touristwise, in the lingo of the trade, was a good one There was this wandering secondary road through the forest, which was a pleasant alternative route between Lake George and Glen Falls to the south, and halfway along it was a small lake, cutely called Dreamy Waters, that was a traditional favorite with picnickers It was on the southern shore of this lake that thethe road, with, behind thisout in a semicircle There were forty rooms with kitchen, shower, and lavatory, and they all had some kind of view of the lake behind thelazed pitch-pine frontages and pretty ti, television in every cabin, children's playground, swi balls (fifty balls, one dollar)—all the girocery and liquor deliveries twice a day frole and sixteen double No wonder that, with around two hundred thousand dollars' capital outlay and a season lasting only fro of October, or, so far as the NO VACANCY sign was concerned, frooing hard Or so those dreadful Phanceys had told me when they'd taken me on as receptionist for only thirty dollars a week plus keep Thank heavens they were out ofin my heart? There had been the whole heavenly choir at six o'clock that on had disappeared down the road on their way to Glens Falls and then to Troy where the rab at h His free hand had run like a fast lizard over my body before I had crunched o then When his contorted face had cleared, he said softly, “All right, sex-box Just see that you ood until the boss coht” Then he had grinned a grin I hadn't understood, and had gone over to the station-wagon, where his wife had been watching from the driver's seat “Coes on West Street tonight” She put the car in gear and called over to me sweetly, “ 'By now, cutie-pie Write us every day” Then she had wiped the crooked slimpse of her withered hatchet profile as the car turned out onto the road Phew! What a couple! Right out of a book—and what a book! Dear Diary! Well, people couldn't coone From now on, on my travels, the human race must improve!

I had been standing there, looking down the way the Phanceys had gone, re them Now I turned and looked to the north to see after the weather It had been a beautiful day, Swiss clear and hot for the ged pink hair fro down the sky Fast little winds were zigzagging ale yellow light above the deserted gas station down the road at the tail of the lake and set it swaying When a longer gust reached ht with it the whisper of a ht, and the first tihostly noise On the lake shore, beyond the last of the cabins, sunmetal surface of the lake was fretted with sudden cat's-paws that sousts, the air was still, and the sentinel trees across the road and behind thesilently closer to huddle round the ca at my back

I suddenly wanted to go to the john, and I s tickle that co hide-and-seek-in-the-dark and Sardines, when, in your cupboard under the stairs, you heard the soft creak of a floorboard, the approaching whisper of the searchers Then you clutched yourself in thrilling anguish and squeezed your legs together and waited for the ecstasy of discovery, the crack of light froent “Ssh! Co warainst your own

Standing there, a “big girl” now, I reht on by a fleeting apprehension—the shiver down the spine, the intuitive gooseflesh that conals of anied the moment to me Soon the thunderheads would burst and I would step back frohted comfortable cave, make myself a drink, listen to the radio, and feel safe and cosseted

It was getting dark Tonight there would be no evening chorus frons and disappeared into their own shelters in the forest, as had the animals—the squirrels and the chipe wild area there was now only me out in the open I took a last few deep breaths of the soft, thened the scent of pine andarmpit s with the sa Somewhere, from quite close, a nervous owl asked loudly “Who?” and then was silent I took a few steps away frohted doorway and stood in the ust of wind hitthrew a quick blue-white hand across the horizon Seconds later thunder growled softly like a wakening guard dog, and then the big wind caan to dance and thrash and the yellow light over the gas station jigged and blinked down the road as if to warn ht was blurred with rain, its luray sheet of water The first heavy drops hit me, and 1 turned and ran

I banged the door behind me, locked it, and put up the chain I was only just in time Then the avalanche crashed down and settled into a steady roar of water whose patterns of sound varied fro ti at the s In a moment these sounds were joined by the busy violence of the overflow drainpipes And the noisy background pattern of the storm was set